Jobberknoll Feathers
by Lady Luckless
Summary: MWPP - "And contrary to popular belief I am not a martian."
1. Letters From The Girls

_Dear James Potter,_

I am Lily Evans.

Don't argue with me, either, because I know my name. So ha!

Miss Whitewood says that we have to include things such as:

Favorite class (Which is Potions, though my best class is Charms), favorite food (Yummy, steak), uh, age (16 since May 12th). She also told me to just talk about me, so, here I go.

As you know, I go to Mandelina's School For American Witches. It's quite lovely, though obviously there are no guys around. Well, the music and Transfiguration teachers are guys, and some of the people who clean up the grounds and stuff. I own an owl, and her name is Abraham, nicknamed Abbie. She is name after Abraham Lincoln, and no, I was not high when I named her.

I am a Prefect, my grades are excellent (excuse me if I'm sound arrogant, I'm really not), and I have never had a detention, nor will I ever. My favorite teacher is Julie-Ann (Miss Whitewood, but she always insists on us calling her Julie-Ann or Miss Julie-Ann), and my least favorite teacher is Mr. Hall.

I love to read and write, and I have been called a good-two-shoes before. They suffered in the school nurses office for a week (and I didn't get a detention!). My best friends are Holly Thomas, Dorcas Meadowes, Cadence Kyros, and Hestia Jones.

Wow, I sound frightfully boring. Well, I gotta go. Class is about to start.

_Write Back (For there's not much to do lately),_

_Lily Evans_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Peter Pettigrew,_

Contrary to popular belief, I am _not_ a martian.

Nor do I claim to have relations to anyone from Mars.

Now, Jupitor, that's another story....

I like dots, you may have noticed. Anyway, onto all the stuff I have to tell you:

Age: Sixteen since the sixth of june

Fave Class: History- sooo boring, but great to sleep through. My best class is Transfiguration, though.

Fave Teach: Mr. Blackmoon- can anyone say hottie? (Forgive me, you're a guy and don't wanna hear that. Or, read it...)

Fave Food: Olives. Escpecially on Pizza. Wait. Pizza is my fave food.

Friends: Holly Thomas, Cadence Kyros, Lily Evans, Alice Johnson

Least Fave Teach: Mr. Hall

Pet: Tada! I have a pink mouse who does back flips. She's awesome. Her name is Purple.

Things I Like To Do: World Domination. Check out cute guys whenever possible. Sing. Embarrass the hell out of Lily, try to get Miss-I-have-never-had-detention-Lily in detention.

Crap. Gotta go, my home planet is calling. Or rather, I have detention.

_Talk to you later,_

_Dorcas Meadowes_

P.S: I'm black, and if you're racist I'll beat you to a pulp!

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Mr. Remus Lupin,_

I love your name. You have heard of the Remus and Romulus legend, I assume. I love it- wolves are so intriguing. Ah, must get on with what Miss Julie-Ann told us we had to do.

My favorite class is Transfiguaration. My favorite teacher is Mrs. Liaton. I hate Mr. Hall. I enjoy Arithmacy. I enjoy salad and bottled water, and despise spaghetti and pizza, as well as soda. Yes, I know, I'm a freak. I own an owl, her name is Aphrodite (I let Dorcas name her).

My best friends are Lily Evans, Dorcas Meadowes, Cadence Kyros, and Dolly Umbridge. They're all so great. Though, Dorcas and Cadence can be weird, and Dolly can be rather cruel.

Ah, the mysteries of life. Yes, I know, I'm boring, and I have to go. Sorry for the short letter.

-_Holly Thomas_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Sir Sirius Black of Hogwarts, (Teehee, you're name after a star!)_

I am a spoon. Yes, it's hard to believe, I know. The hair and clothes is a disguise. I am secretely a prostitute spoon drug lord. Yes, I am fantastic. Now, I beg you, do not let this info out. The FBI has been after me for ages. In fact, I insist you burn this letter to destroy the proof once you are done reading it, or I will have to track you down and murder.

While in hiding at this school, posing as a student and not a prostitute spoon drug lord, I enjoy history and my favorite teacher is one Miss Julie-Ann Whitewood, and if my suspicions are confirmed, she's from Pluto. I also enjoy sugar quills. Yes, I know they're not food, but candy, but they're my favorite food. Don't argue with me, or I'll sick the evil Mr. Hall on you.

One my friends is Dorcas Meadowes. She denies being a martian, but I learned her secret one day, running from one Miss Lily Evans, who says she is my friend, but when you accidently turn her hair colors, she tries to murder you. I am also friends with Miss Holly "I could be a supermodel" Thomas. Oh, and Eric Richardson, but he's weird.

While posing as a student, I bought a dark purple kitten from a wizarding shop. Her name is Lilac, and she's very passive. I think she's secretly a pillow or something. Some things I enjoy doing include trying to get Dorcas to admit she's a martian, reading, singing, writing, and on the occation, plotting world domination with Dorcas. I must leave now.

_Respond ASAP, and that is an order!_

_Lady Cadence Kyros of Mandelina's_

P.S: Only 99 days until Christmas!

P.P.S: Oh, I forgot to tell you I'm 15. I'll be 16 on November 1st.

**A/N: Right now it's AU. Hogwarts is an all boys school (for now) and Mandelina's is an all girls school. THe marauders have never met any of these girls. By the way- I don't have spell check right now, so I'm really, really SORRY for any misspellings. Or typos.**

**It won't stay in all letter but for like, three chapters or that. I promise. There is a plot. It'll also become less humorous, though there will be humor.**


	2. Letters From The Guys

_Dearest Lily who has stolen my heart within a few words,_

It pains me to know that you have never earned such a privelige as dentention! My heart breaks for you, and I cry for you. A person who seems as lovely as you, should never be deprived so cruelly. I, my dear, have a record for detentions.

My favorite class is Transfiguration, because I'm good at it. Well, hell! I'm good at everything. I'm even a chaser on the Quidditch team, and probably captain next year. I'm also in line for Head Boy. Yeah, I'm great. Life's great.

Steak, huh? That's my favorite food, too. I like mine medium rare. With steak sauce. I own an, owl, too, and I'm not weird like you. I name my owl, who is also female, Noelle. Because she's a GIRL and shouldn't be name ABRAHAM or anything that's a GUY name.

My favorite professor is Cheyenne, who pretends to hate me and get mad at me when I call her her first name, Cheyenne. My least favorite professor is Binns, who is boring.

So an all girls school, huh? That sounds great; a lot better than an all gusy school. Lets just add one guy, me, to your school and I bet I could get laid a lot.

**Hey, James! Take me, too! There will be enough girls for the both of us. Oh, uh, hi Lily. Cadence mentioned you in her letter, actually. I'm Sirius, by the way.**

Ignore him. He's my best friend, and is tied with me in detentions, because we are not DEPRIVED like some poor teenagers. I am sixteen, and will be seventeen on February 12th. Ah, must go now Sirius and I have osur long anticipated detention now.

_Love,_

_James Potter_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Dorcas,_

Well. That has to be the strangest letter I received. And I guess I'll just have to believe you on the not being a martian thing.

Not being a martian? What are you on about, Peter?

Remus! This is my letter!

Let me write it for you.

Fave Foods: Cherry Pie

Please ignore Remus, though that is true. I do like cherry pie. My favorite professor is

McGonagall, because you're strange.

Thank you for the help, Remus, but I can handle this on my own, and yes she is my favorite professor.

His friends include me, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Sirius Black.

REMUS! I can handle this, and yes that is right. My favorite class is Potions, 'cause I"m good at it. I have a mouse, he's grey and he can dance, and his name is Remington. I let Sirius name him...

I wanted to name him Mouser.

Remus, don't you have your own letter to write? I enjoy pranks, potions, herbology, and some other things. I have to go since Remus has taken my time up stealing this letter from before class, so see ya.

_-Peter Pettigrew_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Holly,_

I have recently discovered that friends do not enjoy having other friends try to write the aforementioned friends letter for them. All I did was have good intention, but alas, he still did not appreciate my efforts to make his life easier. Quick list since class starts in like two minutes:

Fave Prof: Walsh

Fave Food: Chocolate

Fave Class: Defence Against the Dark Arts, Arithmacy(Ah, we are similar! The greatness that is life has once again suceeded!)

Friends: James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew (who I tried to help with his letter)

I'm glad you like my name, I have hear it, and your name is very pretty. You're not boring, and I have to schedadle.

_Sincerily,_

_Remus Lupin_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Cadence, (I am named after a star...)_

So you're a spoon, eh? A prosititute spoon drug lord. We should get a long fine, then. Why? Because I'm a man-whore spork drug lord. So it all works out very well. I refuse to burn you letter on the grounds that it may have to be used for future blackmail. Alas, you must burn this letter, however, to hide my announcement.

You enjoy history!? You're nuts. History is so boring. Now, Defense Against the Dark Arts, that's awesome. My favorite professor is one Cheyenne Winterlin; who, on top of being fun, is young and gorgeous. Least favorite prof: McGonagall.

Sugar Quills? No way! My favorite food is Every Flavor Beans! It tops sugar quills any day! My friends include James "So Hot" Potter, Remus "Sexily Mysterious" Lupin and Peter "So Adorable" Pettigrew. Seriously, i've heard people call each of them that when we sneak out to Hogsmeade where there are women around. It's... freaky.

Oh. James came up with a brilliant idea. He and I are going to come to your school. Seeing as we'll be the only guys, we figure we could get laid a lot. ...Interested?

I'm 16, and I'll be 17 on-

I can't bare to say.

Please don't make me.

Fine. February 14th. Valentines Day. Go ahead, laugh your head off.

I own a cat (much to most peoples surprise) and her name is Boots and she is a kitten and she's black, except for her paws which are white. Yeah, laugh that up, too.

I enjoy pranks, detention, embarrassing innocent bystanders, and a whole lot of other things. I'm just wonderful like that.

Well, I must go, the wonderful thing called Detention is calling.

_Love,_

_Sirius_

P.S: I just remembered something! I enjoy getting laid.

By you. :P I'm just joking. I've never even met you.

A/N: Chapter two done, not all that great. Again, apologizing for any mistakes. If any of you are actually wanting to take the chapters, fix them, and them email me them to put back up, go ahead. My email's and that's the only way you'll get it fixed right now.


	3. More Letters From The Girls

A/N: HA! I dedicate this chapter to **Katkit **for being my first reviewer. Plus, if you read this, I read your Hidden Hurt, but my computer wouldn't let me review- I liked it, though.

Anyway, this takes place a couple months after the letters began, 'kay?

J.K.Rowling owns all recognizable characters.

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Pigheaded loser,_

Ah, Christmas is less than a month away, and the news has been thrown to us at Mandelina's rather rudely.

We are going to an all boys school for a little while. Not any all boys school.

Hogwarts School of Wizardry.

Alas, that means I will have to meet you face to face, and hear your arragonce in person. Please, avoid me whenever possible. Unless you are totally different from the way you sound in letters, we will _not_ get a long, Mr-I-have-detentions-all-the-time-and-enjoy-them-and-thinks-I-can-get-any-girl-and-is-oh-so-great Potter.

Unless you wish to end up the girl I mentioned in my very first letter about the 21st of September, I would advise you to stop calling me 'Miss Goody Two Shoes'. It is very bad for your health, and I'm sure your nurse wil not want you for a week. I don't know why _anyone_ would want you.

I must ask you to ask you friend Mr. Black to stop suggesting to my friend Miss Kyros that if they were to ever meet that they go on up to his room. Not only is it stupid, it turns her red for like an hour.

.... Not that it isn't funny, but poor Cadence is embarrassed easily, and she makes me feel bad for her.

.... Damn conscience.

_Now I must go, don't write back,_

_Evans_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_My Dearest Petey,_

I am sorry to tell you this but, I have found out your secret. After writing to you (And you, Remmy, 'cause I know you're reading this!) I have realized that you are both martians.

It's the only thing that explains the oddities that you two speak of. By the way, Petey, I'm eating a slice of cherry pie as I write. It's quite delicious. Sorry if there are any splotches by the way.

Anyway, I suppose you've heard about how Mandelina's coming over to Hogwarts for a bit. Guess this means you and I can elope now. I say Vegas, any other ideas?

I don't have much to say, I have to start packing for the trip, and Cadence needs help finding her pants.

_Must go,_

_Dory_

P.S: They say we're getting sorted when we get there, what does that mean?

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Remus,_

**Hello! My name is Cadence, and I saw Holly write a letter to you before. **

That's nice, Caden, but he doesn't care.

**That cut's me deep, Hol. I'm sure he loves me enough to want to elope with me.**

No, Remus is sane. Aren't you, Remus?

**So for a guy to want to elope with me he has to be insane? What does that make Siri-baby? He said he's taking me up to his room to play doctor.**

Siri-baby as he has been labeled, is a freak.

**Oh, so they have to be a freak to want to do that with me?**

No, he's just a freak on his own.

**Well, that's true.**

Hey! You're wasting my parchment here! Okay, she's gone, and now I've forgotten what I was going to write to you about.

Damn it, Caden, sometimes you are a nuisance.

Oh well. I'm sure you've heard about the dance they plan on having when we arrive? It's hilarious 'cause all the girls are like, "What!?! How are we supposed to get dates!?" and they're all freaked out. Dolly is, especially. It's really, really funny.

Crap. Cadence wasted my time and made me forget what to write. Ah, the evility that happens to be one of my best friends. Life's a pain sometimes. That's okay, I love her anyway.

_See ya,_

_Holly_

P.S: Yes, it's almost Christmas. No jokes about my name.

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Siri-Baby,_

So, you never sent me over the drugs to sell. ) How am I suppose to make money without your help? Gee, Siri, what were you thinking?!

Holly thinks your nickname is strange. I tried to explain to her how it came along, but she just ignored me.

I guess you heard that we're coming over to Hogwarts, and that we're having a dance to celebrate it. Does that mean I finally get to up to your room? I guess I better run to the store to pack more... appropriate... clothes for that, huh? It's funny; a lot of the girls are upset that they won't have dates for the dance. Dolly Umbridge is like totally freaking out. Holly's getting a good laugh out of it. Holly, of course, could get a date in five minutes after arriving, so she's ticked off most girls...

Ah, the problems of a teenage girl. So pathetic. Shh, don't tell any of the girls I said that. Actually, I need to be packing, my spork friend. Plus everyones going to buy a dress (The girls voted a dress instead of dress robes- even the purebloods against muggles), so I need to hurry. Plus, I gotta hit Lily who is currently hitting me in the head with an every flavor bean evert five seconds.

_Love ya,_

_Cadence_

P.S: I have enclosed a small Every Flavor Bean package for you.

**:::Package:::**


	4. More Letters From The Guys

_My Dear Lily,_

As usual, your words hurt than a thousand knives slamming into me at once. Of course, I don't know what that feelsl like, but whatever. Blimey, Lily, you make me out to me someone worse tha Gilderoy! You'll hate him more than me when you meet him.

And really, do you think I'd let you curse me? Ha! What a laugh, I'm very good with a wand, if I do say so myself. And I do.

I mentioned to my friend Mr. Black what you asked to me to, and he just laughed and told you to wait and see what he does when Mandelina's arrive at Hogwarts. I suggest you hide the poor girl. Sirius does not have many girlfriends when out of school or anything (Way to busy with pranks. The guy is crazy- he's without girls most of the year, then when he has the chance, he blows them off!) but when does, they stay a red from embarrassment a good part of the time. Of course, Miss Kyros is not Sirius's girlfriend, but it's still a scary thought.

Well, my dear, I have to go. I await your arrival at Hogwarts, and you beauty at the dance.

_See ya,_

_James._

P.S: I'm giving you this necklace in the hope that you'll wear it. It's one of kind so, if you wear it I'll be able to spot you, and know who you are.

**:::necklace:::**

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Dorcas,_

Please, please, please stop calling me Petey. It drives me nuts.

And what do you mean you have cherry pie!? You better be sharing it!

We are not martians, either, though I admit we do seem like it.

And Vegas sounds lovely.

Uh, did Cadence ever find her pants? I'd hate for her to run around pantsless.

No you wouldn't. Nor would I, though I shouldn't say that...

I won't tell you what the sorting is- tis a secret! Must go now.

_- Peter and Remus_

P.S: I'm giving you this necklace in the hope that you'll wear it. If you wear it (it's one of a kind!) I'll be able to spot you, and know who you are.

**:::necklace:::**

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Have a HOLLY jolly Christmas,_

Hey, Holly. Sorry- I couldn't help myself..Tell Cadence hello, and not to play doctor with Sirius. He's a bit off in the head at times, and, well, bloody hell. You should see how red he turns his girlfriend when he has one!

Which is, believe or not, not as often as one would think, even in the summer. He amazes me, sometimes. I would advise Cadence not to step within eight feet of him if I were her. He has mentioned her, and he really enjoys talking to her, and that can be a bad thing...

I'm sorry you forgot what you were going to write. The girls make me laugh. Not much to say. Must go find dress robes, and steal some of honeydukes chocolate from Sirius.

_See ya,_

_Remus._

P.S: Don't murder me.

P.P.S: Hey, I'm giving you this necklace in hopes that you'll wear it- for you see, if you wear it (it's one of a kind!) I'll be able to spot you, and know who you are. My friends are sending some to their quill pals, too.

**:::necklace:::**

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Cadence, honey, sweety, darling!_

A million thanks for the Every Flavor Beans- I had just ran out! Alas, James found the drugs before I could mail them, and made me give it to him so that he wouldn't turn me in. )

And if Holly thinks my name is weird, well, forget her. I'm special, and she isn't. And yes! Finally, you and I alone in my room! Hope you have the right clothes...

People worried about dates, huh? Don't you worry about it; you have one. That's right, you're going with me! 'Cause, I wanna have a date, and it'll be funny to see other girls freak out because you have a date and they don't. Ain't life grand?

Well. Bloody hell, my head hurts, Remus kept hitting me on the head with a book until I forfeited chocolate over to him. Man, he's got some aggression he holds inside to much or somehting!

Well, I must go. I await your arrive, so I can finally meet the prosititute spoon drug lord I've wrote to so much as my oh so wonderfull quill pal!

_Love ya,_

_Siri-baby_

P.S: I'm giving you a necklace in the hope that you'll wear it. If you wear it (it's one of a kind, lets all cheer!) I'll be able to spot you, and know who you, my date, is.

P.P.S: Enclosing some sugar quills!

**:::necklace:::**

**:::sugar quills:::**


End file.
